As part of our IFS blog series, we will be discussing the steps to heal an Exile. Learn to access, unburden, and reparent your exiles to create harmony within your inner psyche.
This blog will cover:
Steps for Healing an Exile in IFS
Accessing an exile
Unblending from an exile
Learning about an exile
Developing a trusting relationship with an exile
Metabolization
Accessing the memory
Types of memories
Witnessing the memories
An Introduction to Healing an Exile in IFS
Parts are the different sub-personalities of the psyche that form over time as a result of early childhood environmental contexts. Parts develop as an intelligent adaptive response to a lack of safety.
Exiles are the wounded child parts in you that felt hurt, rejected, abandoned, and harmed by the experiences in your childhood. You most likely have some memory of the pain and hurt felt from your family unit, and your exiles still carry that pain and hurt from your past and they feel it as if it was happening right now.
It takes courage, care, compassion and the presence of Self to begin to look at the generational trauma that was transmitted onto you from your family unit and now lives within your internal family system. After accessing your protectors, getting to know their role and fears, listening to them with understanding, and building a trusting relationship, you may be ready to get to know your exiles.
The content for this blog is inspired by the work of Jay Early and his book on Self-Therapy (link to his book).
Please check-out my other IFS blogs for a comprehensive perspective into protectors, the Self and the goals of IFS to heal and harmonize your inner psyche with your body’s felt-experience.
Steps for Healing an Exile in IFS:
1. Ask for Permission
The main role of your protectors is to guard your exiles from further pain, hurt and harm. Every one of your protectors is shielding an exile, sometimes more than one exile. You might have many protectors, protecting one exile, or one protector shielding many exiles and all the possibilities in between. You will want to know or have a sense of which exile the protector is safeguarding. Typically you can ask a protector what it is afraid might happen if it didn’t perform its role. This fear of what might happen will give you a doorway into what exile your protector is protecting.
When you are aware of the exile, now you must ask for the protector’s permission to be with them. Ideally, you have been working with your protectors to get to know them, listen, and build a trusting relationship, so that you have a rapport that will foster comfort and ease. In IFS, you never want to force, bypass or dismiss the protector to get to the exiles. You want to ensure the protector is ready and aware that there is an exile feeling the pain that it is trying to prevent. Again, reiterating to the protector that the exile is already experiencing the very pain that the protector fears it will re-experience, and that you would like to help alleviate and heal the exile from this pain but you need their permission.
Some protectors may eagerly be ready and you will receive a YES please. You may also receive a sensation of receptivity, or an invitation or an opening. You might see an image, or sense your heart feels spacious. You will know when a protector is ready and responds with a yes. But what happens when a protector isn’t sure, doesn’t feel ready or says no? First you want to reassure it that you will not access the exile until it is ready, and then get to know what it might be afraid of by letting you through.
Let's take a look at some of the 8 most common fears that Jay Early in his Self-Therapy book has highlighted:
The exile pain is too much
A protector may fear that you will become overwhelmed or flooded by the exile’s pain. This is a valid concern and you will want to acknowledge the protectors' concern and appreciate their care. You also want to reassure your protector by sharing with them that you do not want to get overwhelmed by the wounded exile either, which is why by staying in Self, you can be with the pain without being taken over by the pain.
There is no point
You may have a protector that just believes that the exile cannot be healed, and that you’ve tried so many times before and it just doesn’t work. Again, validate the protector's fear and feelings, and perhaps ask it if it would be willing to try again. Reassure it that you have seen positive results and believe the exile can be healed and that you would like to try if it’s willing.
The protector doesn’t want to be eliminated
Sometimes a protector might be afraid that if it lets you heal the exile, then they question what happens to them? Will they be eliminated? Reassure them that you appreciate the role that they have played and if the exile is healed, they might want to take on a new role, one that is more in harmony with who they are meant to be. Parts are not defined by their roles, yet they might see losing their role is losing their worth within the internal family system. Let this part know that you value their presence, and want them a part of this family and to explore themselves in a new way.
The exile will be harmed
The protector's job is to ensure the exile is not harmed, so the greatest fear for a protector is that the exile will be harmed if they give you access. They want to ensure that the exile will not be harmed by you, your partner or your environment. In each case, reassure the protector of your intention to heal and show care for the exile. If your life situation really isn’t safe, then you may need to wait until your protector’s feel safe.
The protector doesn't trust your competence
Your protectors may doubt, or question your capacity and ability to care for the exile. In this case, you might share that you aren’t perfect and you’ve been practicing new ways to show compassion and love towards all of your parts, and continue to learn. You might say how you’ll be careful and at any point, you can reach out for further guidance and support. And then check in with the protector to see if it would be willing to let you try with tender care.
A secret will be revealed
Sometimes a protector is afraid that a repressed memory that the exile might carry will be revealed. The protector might not realize that your outer circumstances have changed and your inner sense of Self is present in a way that wasn’t available when you were a child during that memory. You might share that you and your environment are different now and reassure the protector that you will stay grounded in Self.
A dangerous protector will be triggered
Your protectors are in relationship to each other, and they know that opening up the pain of an exile may activate a protector that will do anything to stop the pain from the exile. In the language of Richard Swartz, these are called firefighters - parts that react impulsively to stop the pain of an exile. You might consider the protector's concern and see if such a firefighter might be present and get to know it, establish a trusting relationship with it, and then ask for its permission to be with the exile. And then check back in with that original protector.
The exile will re-experience the wound
A protector does not want the exile to experience the wound that is so painful all over again. It does not want to exile from childhood to be re-wounded or retraumatized. You’ll want to appreciate the protector's concern and express that you want to care for the exile, and alleviate it from the pain. You might reassure this protector that you are no longer a child, even though the pain is from childhood. This exile is experiencing the pain from the past and you can be with it in the present from Self without becoming taken over by the pain.
In order to get your protector’s permission, you need to address their fears by listening, acknowledging and reassuring them that you can be with their pain in a new way. You may even want to offer your protectors hope, a sense of encouragement that you can heal the pain from your exiles and transform their wounds into their natural purity of being. Your protectors can also be relieved from their role as well, and might want to choose a new role that supports the harmonization and empowerment of your soul.
2. Getting to Know an Exile in IFS
Now that you have checked in with your protectors and ensured that you have their permission to work with an exile, you can begin to get to know one. These steps are very similar to “Getting to Know a Protector.” See blog #3 for detailed description of these steps. The basic structure of building a relationship with your exile is as follows:
Access your exile through sensation, feeling, imagery, or a painful/hurtful experience.
Unblending from an exile so that you don’t become flooded or overwhelmed by the pain of the exile. “Blending can be frightening because it draws you into the exile’s vortex of helplessness, and you might become increasingly buried in the pain or chaos.”(1, pg 200) You want to ensure you are in Self so that you can relate to the exile by hearing their pain, acknowledging their feelings without being taken over by them. When you sit at the seat of Self, you are grounded and can witness, be with and offer compassion to the exile without being afraid of the trauma and pain that the exile carries. You might even ask the exile to not overwhelm you or stay within a distance so that you can fully be with them, offering a space of love and support.
Learning about an exile is about offering understanding, compassion and listening to their emotions and stories. You might invite them to show you an image, or shapes, colors or a feeling, something that allows you to sense their hurt and pain.
Developing a trusting relationship with an exile requires your presence, compassion and care. Imagine offering the exile the type of parent that they needed but didn’t have. Show affection, love, understanding, a warm presence and a space to be heard. Make sure the exile knows you are there with them and want to care for them in the way that they need.
3. Exiles & Childhood Memories in IFS
Your exiles carry the transmitted trauma from your childhood through their memories. A feeling, belief, person, event, place, or something that happened became lodged, frozen, stuck in their body and in your body. These painful, undigested, memories are stored or filed away and carried by your inner child as burdens until you can return to them little by little to digest, metabolize and complete the cycle of trauma by healing them.
These painful memories that your exiles carry must be witnessed, felt and experienced in a new way, a way in which you can be there to be with them from a loving, compassionate place. You can offer them an ending that supports their healing and release, providing them with what they needed to feel loved, safe and secure. When you can oscillate between then vs. now, between groundedness, centeredness, love to the painful memories of your childhood and back again, you can digest these memories and move through a process of trauma renegotiation, releasing and discharging the felt-experiences of pain from the past.
Metabolization
You cannot hit the rewind button and erase the memories of your past, but you can rewrite their stories, reassociate their memories, re-imagine your psyche’s experience of them and allow your body to move, breathe, and feel the experience in a new way that supports the release of your trauma. This is a process of digesting unmetabolized trauma stored in your body and psyche. You carry holding patterns, points of constriction, lodged pain points that impact your entire system, and little by little you can release the hurt from your exiles and return to your natural place of belonging. Your memories must be re-experienced and processed to completion while being in Self.
Accessing the Memory
Your exiles hold the memories of your past, and after you get to know them and build trust with them, you can begin to explore what caused their pain in the first place, what burden of trauma do they carry? You might simply begin to ask questions to show you an image, place or time. Allow yourself to be curious about their experiences of what happened, when, what beliefs they carry and so on. You want to remain receptive and open and not force anything to come, or try to think your way through. They will show you when they are ready, and if nothing comes at first that is okay. Be patient with an approach of waiting until they are ready to show you.
Types of Memories
There are two main types of memories: explicit (declarative) and implicit (non-declarative).
Explicit: this refers to conscious information that was learned and can be put into words, thoughts and can be analyzed and integrated into the greater context of life. These are facts, places, events and information and narrative memory. These forms of memories can be easily recalled and recollected.
Implicit: also referred to as procedural memory. These are memories that are not easily verbalized, and emerge without conscious recognition. They may have been stored in the unconscious as procedures, skills, conditioned responses, emotional associations and automatic/instinctual behaviors. These rely on past experiences.
Exiles carry all kinds of memories and most of them are painful. Memories can be disorganized or distorted as a result of trauma. As an infant, your neurological capacity is not fully developed since your hippocampus is not fully formed. As a result this narrative memory, or explicit memory is not available to you until after 18-24 months old. As a result, complete memories may not be available and need to be pieced together. It is common to sense fragments or snapshots of an event without the entire context. As you move through a process of getting to know the felt-experience of your exiles, you may sense more and more past memories. The memories that come can vary from story to just a smell or sensation. When you access an exile and they begin to show you their memories, you can ask them to provide you with as much detail as possible through non-verbal language like images, sensations, feelings, symbols and so on.
Witnessing the memory
Your exiles will show you what memories they want to be healed and you are there to listen, show understanding, compassion and witness them. They will guide and reveal to you what happened to them and how that made them feel. You can ask questions, reflectively listen and ensure that they feel heard and seen by you. The witnessing process allows your exiles to show you the pain that they have been carrying and to release these memories and experiences.
Witnessing the felt-experience of your exiles is a powerful process and can open up hidden memories to be healed. It also allows the memory to digest, be fully seen as it is being re-experienced and then discharged or released from the exile and from your body. You might notice the painful memory dissipate through shaking, trembling, heat, or some form of bodily sensation that is metabolizing the unprocessed trauma. As you witness from Self, the exiles feel the presence of someone caring, loving and engaged with them - a response that wasn’t given to them at the time of the event. This opens for reassociation and reorganization of the psyche and body. The exiles begin to see and experience with new senses, allowing them to perceive that they are not bad and the burdens they carry are not who they are. They are not the pain that they carry and can begin to reclaim the qualities of themselves that were lost or forgotten.
4. Reparenting an Exile in IFS
You can sense that through these steps of getting to know your exiles, accessing their memories and witnessing them, you (Self) are offering them the love, understanding and compassion that they never received from your parents or caregivers. They continue to feel the hurt and pain from the past, from the memories of when they did not receive the love that they needed. Most of your exiles probably have felt hurt by your parents. You cannot change your parents, but you can change how you care for your exiles now. You have learned new ways to love, care, nurture and show compassion towards all of your parts, how to build a trusting and secure relationship with them and now you are ready to begin the process of reparenting your exiles, your inner child.
As a child, you developed a certain internal working model based on the type of attachments you shared with your primary caregivers. Your exiles carry these painful memories of when you felt unsecure, abandoned, unloved, avoided, fearful or an inconsistent caregiver. To feel trust and a secure attachment, there has to be a sense of consistency, accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement from your parents. Unfortunately, trauma is multigenerational and your parents probably bonded with you in similar ways to how they were cared for, passing down the wounds from their childhood onto your inner child. It takes courage to look into the eyes of many generations of trauma and begin the process of healing. As Terry Real quotes,
“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path, until one person in one generation, has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to his ancestors and spares the children that follow.” (3)
The reparenting process is a way to re-imagine the painful memories that your wounded child carries and offer them the care that they really needed. Your exiles believe that the pain from the past is still happening, even though you are in the present. By sensing their past pain with your adult self now in the present, you can begin the process of becoming the parent that you know you needed and that you didn’t have. Your exiles know exactly what they need; most of them want to be seen, heard, loved through a loving presence, or a warm hug, or a gentle ear. You can provide them with this love, allowing for a new experience to be felt and transforming the pain that they carry. The reparenting process actually lays down new neural pathways in the brain, creating new associations within your psyche and new felt-experiences within your body.
As you re-parent your inner child, new memories or new structures of the memory can be integrated into your internal family system to recreate new mind-body experiences. You are not forgetting, dismissing or even avoiding what was painful, but instead you are being with, acknowledging the pain and offering those exiles the tenderness and compassion that they needed. You can then ask and sense if they are noticing your care and love, and be curious about how they are receiving you right now. Your exiles, most likely will feel the love from you that they did not receive then. Take your time, really allowing them to feel your presence and care.
5. Retrieving an Exile in IFS
Sometimes your exiles may need to be taken out of the traumatic situation that they feel they are in from the past. They may want to be removed and taken to a place that feels safe, comfortable and secure. You can bring your exile into an area where they might feel safe, imagining a place for them to be with you. Invite them to continue to notice you are there, offering them the support and safety to leave a situation that is not supportive to their well-being. Notice what that is like for them, and sense into this safe place. Let them know that they do not have to return or go back to that place ever again. This will allow the wounded child to sense even more into the present, knowing that you are no longer in that place.
6. Unburdening an Exile in IFS
Burdens are the wounds from painful experiences that were not able to be metabolized during a traumatic event so became stuck, frozen and held into the body and psyche. Burdens might feel like an unpleasant emotion, or negative belief, or sad image. These painful moments are a part of your story, but they are not intrinsically the whole of who you are. The essential self of you might be playful, humorous, affectionate, joyous, empathic, and so on. Yet through your experiences the essence of who you are may have been clouded and overshadowed by the painful memories of your experiences. IFS guides your wounded child into releasing and liberating the burdens of what happened to them, so that they can return to their inherent, essential being.
The step of unburdening naturally occurs when your exiles feel trust in you from being witnessed, acknowledged, seen and heard and sense the presence of a caring, compassionate caretaker from re-parenting. Now, they might be ready to release the pain through an internal transmuting ritual. This allows the stuck, frozen energy to discharge from the body, and for your psyche to feel lighter, more spacious and manifest its natural qualities.
You will begin this step by naming the burden that wants to be released from your exile. (1, pg 255) They might be ready to release the wounds of shame, abandonment, fear or negative beliefs like, “I am worthless.” Check to see which burden the exile would like to release, choosing just one at a time. Ask the exile if it is ready to release this constriction of hurtful memories.
When the exile is ready, sense how the exile feels this burden in their body. Notice if there is clenching, squeezing, tightening, or a posture that it takes on, a gesture that it makes and so on. Once you sense the burden and how the burden is felt, you are ready to invite the exile to release it. You can use one of the natural elements like air, light, water, fire, or earth. Ideally, you would imagine something powerful, a greater force to dissolve the burden until it vanishes.
In Self-Therapy, Jay Early offers a few ideas:
Release it to the beams of light
Wash it away with water
Blow it away by the wind
Compost it by the earth
Swallow it by gravity
Burn it in fire
Or anything else that might come to you
Let the exile decide how it would like to release the burden and sense it transmute from the tissues in your body, the viscera, your aura, and your entire internal family system. Allow yourself to be with the sensation of watching the burden dissipate and track the sensations of what happens after the release. Take time to integrate this new felt-experience and receive it fully, embody it, be with it. You are watching the unfolding of your exile transform back into its natural state of being.
Your exile may carry more than one burden, and each one will need to be released in the same way, ensuring a trusting relationship is present, witnessing their memories and experiences, offering them the care they need and then unburdening them from their pain by releasing the pain through ritual.
After your exile has transmuted a burden, you may want to integrate it even further by creating a symbolic representation of the release to mark the transformation from one felt experience of the past to a new sense of being. You can create an altar, collect meaningful pictures or objects that evoke this release, or walk a trail that acknowledges the journey that you’ve been on from the past to now to who you are becoming. These physical representations are important for the soul to acknowledge the journey it is on towards healing and wholeness.
7. Transforming a Protector in IFS
Now that your exile is unburdened, you will want to check in with your protectors to see if they are aware of the release. You can access your protectors through image, sensation or feeling and see if they notice that the exile is no longer in pain. You might see how it responds to the release of the pain from the exile, knowing that its main role was to protect the exile from pain.
Ask your protector if it would like to take on a new role now that the exile is unburdened. You might notice an immediate relief, and you might offer your protector new roles that it can choose. Your protecotrs don’t have to take on a new role and allow them spaciousness and time to decide what role they may want. What is most important is that they feel the release of their old role.
Integration
The combination of all of these steps will lead to a great shift in your internal family system. The unburndening of an exile and its protectors will inherently impact your entire inner working model. Take your time to sense and feel into the shifts, integrating the changes into your system of how you feel, your thought patterns and the release of pain. Notice how your shape begins to take on a new form, embodiment, and way of being. This is the pathway toward sensing into an integrated, harmonious, and resonant internal family system, each supporting your empowerment of Self. This is the journey back into belonging, back home to yourself.
This blog is inspired by the work of Richard Schwartz and Jay Early. Please check out their workshops, trainings, books, and downloadable exercises and guides to learn more about IFS or Parts Work:
References
Self-Therapy : A step-by-sstep guide to creating wholeness and healing your inner child using IFS, A new cuttting-edge Psychotherapy, Jay Early, 2009
Somatic Experiencing: Beginning Level 3 Packet, Peter A. Levine
